I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just
wish he didn't trust me so much.
Mother Teresa
KIDS INTERPRETATION

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk
grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face
and maintain her composure!    

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU
KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!  IT
COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS
WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW
TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE
WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED
OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRS BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED
OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S
WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS
CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A
BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BYA JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE
APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY
INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENTIS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA/SPAN>.
THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD
HIS SON TOSTAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700
PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED
THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.

18. T. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO
UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12
DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO
A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY
ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.
KIDS AND CHURCH

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on
and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.  "How do
you know what to say?" he asked.  "Why, God tells me."  "Oh,
then why do you keep crossing things out?"


A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where
"The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each
game.  Then, the father and son attended a church on a Sunday
shortly before Independence Day.  The congregation sang "The
Star-Spangled Banner", and after everyone sat down, the little
boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"


A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service:  "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those
who passed trash against us."  


After a church service on Sunday morning,
a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy,
"I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,
than to sit and listen."


A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some
time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God.  They were to
bring their letter back the following Sunday.  One little boy wrote,
"Dear God.  We had a good time at church today.  Wish you could
have been there."


One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother
was tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the
light, when he asked, with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?"  The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug.  "I can't, dear," she said.  "I have to sleep with
your Daddy."  A long silence was broken, at last, by his shaky little
voice:  "The big sissy."   


A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first
time.  The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came
down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.  All was quiet, until the
little one started to sing in a loud voice,
"Happy birthday to you,   happy birthday to you..."


Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned
in Sunday School.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his
engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked
across safely.  He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters
and call in an air strike.  They sent in bombers to blow up the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved.  "Now, Joey, is that
REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.  
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"


A child came back from Sunday School, and told his mother that
he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named
Gladly.  It took his mother a while before she realized that the
hymn was really "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear".


Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.  
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I
was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze
and I would stay like that."  Bobby looked up into her face and
replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"


A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his
cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"  
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he
knew the answer so quickly.  "How do you know that?"  "Easy,"
the little boy said.  "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop
said:   4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."  


Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge
n' Mary.''   


3-year-old Reese:  "Our Father, Who does art in Heaven, Harold is
His name.  Amen."  


A little boy was overheard praying:  "Lord, if you can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I
am."


After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him
three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,  "That
preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I
wanted to stay with you guys."


I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer For several evenings at bedtime.  She would repeat
after me the lines from the prayer.  Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right
up to  the end of the prayer:  "Lead us not into temptation," she
prayed, "but deliver us from E- mail.


One particular four-year-old prayed,  "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A  Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the
way to church service,  "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?"  One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping."


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were
sitting together in church.  Joel giggled, sang, and talked out
loud.  Finally, his big sister had had enough.  "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church."  "Why? Who's going to stop
me?" Joel asked.  Angie pointed to the back of the church and
said,  "See those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan
3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  "If Jesus
were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and
said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"  


A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his  hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the  sand. "Daddy, what happened to
him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad
replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God
throw him back down?"


A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.  The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"
TEACHING THE BIBLE


You should get a good laugh out of these

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of
Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained
how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in
pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the
people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the
altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher,
"can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah
pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of
the room started waving her hand, "I
know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

~~~~~~~~~~

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked
back and turned into a pillar of salt----when little Jason
interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was
driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a
telephone pole!"

~~~~~~~~~~

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for
dead. She described the situation in vivid detail, so her students
would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a
person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what
would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up."

~~~~~~~~~~

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a
lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"   "No," replied David J.
"How could he, with just two worms."

~~~~~~~~~~

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

~~~~~~~~~~

MOSES & THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned
in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent
Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his
army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across
safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They
sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were
saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his
mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher
did,
you'd never believe it!"

~~~~~~~~~~

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm
23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.

Little Rick was excited about the task--but, he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to
recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so
nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said
proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to
know.
A Merry Heart Doeth Good Like A Medicine Proverbs 17:22
CHURCH BULLETINS

Thank Father God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church  
services:

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The  Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The  sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight:  "Searching for  Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Our  youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation  hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the  King.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies,  don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not  worth keeping around the house. Bring your  husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The  peacemaking meeting scheduled for ! today has been canceled
due to a  conflict.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember  in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is  hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't  let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss  Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious  pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
For  those of you who have children and don't  know it, we have a
nursery  downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The  Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing:  "Break Forth Into Joy."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving  Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a  friendship that began in their school  days.

------------------------------------------------------------
A  bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  
Music will follow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
At  the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight  new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new  members and to the deterioration of some older  ones.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts  are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds  will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Please  place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want  remembered.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The  church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication  to  follow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The  ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen  in the basement on Friday  afternoon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
This  evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the  Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to  sin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies  Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited  to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The  pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next  Sunday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The  eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The  Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last  Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

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Funny Monkey at Zoo
Funny Store Employee
Lassie and Timmy
Smart Cat
At The Apollo
Simon Says
Hungry Kitty
Rabbit VS Snake
Budlight Fishing Aliens
How To Stack Tires
Domino Pool Final
Phone Call To School Office
Laughter - The Best Medicine
Pray For My Food
Fantastic Machine
Billiard Domino's
Have a little laugh at life and look around for happiness. Laughter has always
brought me out of unhappy situations. In each moment, you usually can find
something to laugh about if you try hard enough.  Red Skelton  
Monkey Head Scratch
Playful Monkey
Monkey With Mirror
Faith The Cool Dog
Interesting Monkey
Rev. Will Terry Moore, Ph.D.  Son of FatherGod and
Ambassador for Kingdom of FatherGod
is the Founder and Pastor of our Love, Faith &
Hope Fellowship
(2 Corinthians 5:20 and 6:1)